Have you ever wondered why you’re drawn to certain relationships or why some patterns seem familiar in your love life? Maybe you want to change the pattern but you find yourself unable to change the types of relationships you keep drawing in. It’s important to first become aware of how you have formed these choices, so that you can make decisions for your relationships from a place of conscious awareness, instead of allowing your subconscious to dictate your future relationships.
It all traces back to where it began—the influence of our upbringing on the choices we make in relationships. In this blog, we’re exploring how the impact of childhood experiences, the role models we grew up with, and how these factors shape the way we connect with others.”
From the playgrounds of our earliest memories to the echoes of conversations at the family dinner table, our upbringing lays the foundation for all the relationship choices we make. We’ll unpack the significance of those formative years, understanding how the dynamics within our families and the relationships we observed shape our beliefs and behaviors in love and connections.
Numerous studies in psychology and neuroscience have explored the influence of early experiences and upbringing on adult attraction patterns. Research has shown that people are often drawn to partners who mirror their own attachment style or who remind them of significant figures from their childhood. These subconscious attractions can impact the formation and dynamics of romantic relationships.
Attachment Styles:
Attachment styles developed in childhood influence how individuals form emotional bonds in adulthood. Those with secure attachment styles tend to be more open and comfortable with intimacy, fostering a strong magnetic pull when they encounter someone who shares their openness. Usually this will allow you to attract partners and friends who are more secure in themselves and tend to have healthy boundaries.
On the other hand, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may experience subconscious attraction to partners who evoke familiar dynamics from their childhood, even if these dynamics are not conducive to a healthy relationship.
For example, it’s not uncommon for individuals with an anxious attachment style to be attracted to those with an avoidant attachment style, and this pattern often leads to what’s called an “anxious-avoidant trap” or a “pursuer-distancer dynamic” in relationships.
The attraction between these two attachment styles might seem contradictory, but it often stems from a subconscious familiarity rather than compatibility. Anxiously attached individuals often seek more reassurance, closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships due to their fear of abandonment or rejection. On the other hand, avoidant attached individuals tend to prioritize independence, self-reliance, and maintaining emotional distance as a way to protect themselves from perceived emotional threats or vulnerability. Ultimately, this pattern often leads to a push-and-pull dynamic that can be emotionally exhausting for both partners.
If you find yourself in a similar dynamic, you both must be willing to understand your different attachment styles, communicate openly, and work through your wounding to create a more secure and balanced relationship dynamic.
Familial Role Models:
Our early experiences with parents or primary caregivers can shape our expectations and desires in future relationships. Subconscious attraction may arise when a person encounters someone who embodies qualities or traits they admired or sought in their caregivers.
For example, if a person grew up with a father who was a highly respected leader in their community—someone admired for their wisdom, integrity, and leadership qualities, subconsciously, they might find themselves instinctively drawn to partners who embody similar traits of leadership, wisdom, and societal respect. The subconscious mind recognizes these qualities as symbols of stability and strength, creating an unconscious attraction towards individuals who reflect the positive traits admired in their father.
Another example could be an individual who looked up to their mother who was a dedicated teacher and often volunteered at church. She radiates empathy and kindness, nurturing a supportive environment in her work place, social circles and at home. Growing up in this atmosphere, an individual might naturally seek partners who reflect similar empathetic qualities. They might pursue relationships characterized by kindness, patience, and a genuine willingness to listen and support—echoing the nurturing nature cherished in their mother.
Childhood Trauma:
Early experiences of safety, trust, and emotional validation can influence our attraction to others. Childhood trauma can deeply influence the relationship choices people make in adulthood. When individuals experience significant adversity or trauma during their formative years, it can shape their beliefs, behaviors, and perceptions about relationships.
Trauma survivors can develop trauma bonding. This is when individuals with childhood trauma attract partners who have also experienced their own trauma, it can create a dynamic where both individuals might unconsciously relate to each other’s pain or past experiences. This can lead to a form of connection based on shared wounds or experiences, fostering a deep but often complex emotional bond.
In these type of relationships, there might be a mutual understanding of each other’s struggles stemming from their respective traumas. They may feel an intense connection because their experiences resonate on a deep level, providing a sense of understanding and empathy that they might not easily find elsewhere.
However, there are unhealthy patterns that can be developed if individuals do not address their wounding. For example unresolved trauma can trigger each partner’s past wounds, creating a cycle where they inadvertently reinforce or exacerbate each other’s pain.
Unresolved traumas can also cause emotional instability or unpredictability within the relationship. This lack of emotional safety can hinder open communication and trust, leading to frequent misunderstandings or conflicts.
If you find yourself constantly attracted to certain relationship patterns that are unhealthy, it’s important to investigate the root of your wounding. Addressing deep seated wounds from your childhood, will allow you to change the types of relationships you attract into your life.
Click here to learn how to break unhealthy relationship patterns and attract the love you desire!
